Hey, it is just 3.40am but the sky is already in dark blue.

I'm obviously a bit drunk.

I'm fine I'm fine.

Finally, i can have a short break. (You see, after weeks of fucking suffocating)

A short break is not too much for a weak lady like me right?

I was quite busy today.

I had exam from 9am to 12pm. Had my lovely Burger King lunch then came back and sleep. Spent an hour packing my stuffs. Gosh, i've got a lot to pack.

Thursday. It's even worse. Try not to remind myself. Will see after i wake up from my sweet dreams.

Wish me luck.

:)

It's almost 2am.

I want to apologize. Sorry, jie jie.

Trust me.. I can somehow make it.

Be patient with me.

I love to read not because i love to read but i love to feel different kind of feeling express in books in novels. They are just alphabets a to z making into words then to sentences. They are beautiful. A to Z can make you laugh, can make you cry, can learn from them, they are amazing. Seriously, i have many many books here or at home. I spent much buying books and coffee. What a beautiful chemical reaction.

Back to the story.

My jie jie called me three time while i was sleeping when she knows nothing about what happened to me. I guess she just called to ask me about my situation. I then called my sister in Dublin telling her how stupid i hid myself from her. She encouraged me to tell her today of course giving me lessons at the same time.

I said :"I don't dare.. Not today."

Sis :" You have to, simply because you have no choice."

I started to cry.. I did not know why until now. I need my jie jie. She loves me and.. I dissapointed her.

5 Minutes later.

Sis in Dublin called telling me she just told jie jie.

She then said :"She's scolding but could hear that she's very dissappointed.

I cried again.

I grabbed a book and started to read it. It's comedy book and i cried while i was reading. I then make myself a coffee. I cried while i wa drinking it.

I am not a loser. Just that.... haih.

Sorry jie jie. You are like a mum to me. Years back what's between us was hatred. I did not know why did i hate you this much. Now, you are so important to me. You're the best. Forgive me.

Yer, i want to cry jor. Sigh..

“其实愿意看开，一秒就能想通。”

Things are all simple but they are different as we all have different point of view to judge them. Ther never were complicated, what you need is not encouragement or opinion. It's actually a second to think through them.

Major thing i've learnt this year. It's worth it eventhough i spent a lot of energy and time to think about it. I finally experienced this.. one sec.

I read this book called "Before I Die". It definately sounds horrible or blue to someone but as you change your mind a lil, it's a good positive book. This lady is sicked at young age and there are a lot she wanted to do before she die. We all had been through those 'First' days, like, get drunk for the first time, get laid, get high heel pairs, change the colour of your hair, drive without license... They are not only wishes but hopes. As your are climbing higher and higher, your wish came true one by one but they are never ended. We just get to aim higher and higher, aren't we? The end of each day it means a new hope is there tomorrow. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

I slept at 11.15pm but woke up an hour later just because of the temperature. UK is so warm. Just finished a long chat with a friend. The conversation covered few 'meaningful' topics/issues.

UK or Home?

I actually think that it is impossible to go back home once you settle yourself down in another country. Here are the reasons why the hell you can't go back home.

1.Financial status - how could you give up good money and car? Go back with local car and can't even afford better insurance.

2.How can you survive in Malaysia's Company when you get to learn better knowledge and even higher technologies in the UK?

3.Are you able to buy yourself more than 5 dresses a month in Malaysia?

4.Is you dream a step closer when you have only RM1600 a month? (Don't forget about allllll your installments)

Girls to girls view

As i always say, who doesn't like to see beautiful things? Even if you are a female checking on another female? I love looking at beautiful girls. (Guys? Seldom see good dressing up guy. I don't mind their appearance because i'm not a good looking girl but can't you just dress up properly? For the sake of respect? Respect those you going out with?) I love female with see through top or bottom. They are way toooo sexy. Huuu... very attractive (I am certainly talking about good body shape ladies).

Anti-Homosexual / Homo Phobia

I have gay or lesbian friends around me. Please respect them or do not hate them. They are as normal as you do. They might have better personality compare to you. It's okie if you have homo phobia because this is also consider as.. natural. I saw true love between homosexual couples. They are real. They might have different making love ways (As you called it weird ways) but don't you think that they are pity, because they are never never able to understand or experience the word "Reproductive".

Love

Love in first eye sight? What do you think? I do not know, never really really experience this but i guess it is existing somewhere in the world. Love is important. Don't take it as a game. You'll be punished somehow.

What gives you hope?

For me, it's seeing those who have been together for so long but still able to make each other happy. I love seeing old happy couples. They always give me the right information and direction that there is true love.

What piss you off?

Fake personality, attitude, laughing, espression, explaination... everything anyone alive but fake.

What makes you laugh?

Weed. Hahahahahaha. It's just a joke k? Um, perhaps when i see someone fell down?

When do you feel happy?

When i'm drunk? Hahaha. And of course happy thingiesss.. Like get to get presents or anything like this.

What do you want to do?

Conquer the world. Hold on hold. It's just another unfunny joke. I guess.. I will want to spend my life at sea side? Yeah maybe. Still unsure about what i want all these days.

Lucy Gordon killed herself.

This was a sad news.

I know it is not allowed to kill yourself as stated in the bible but i seriously don't find the point of blaming her (I'm nobody) or telling friends how stupid she was. I simply know nothing in relation to the reasons behind. Do you know how much energy for someone to end her/his life deep down the person knows that they have a lot more have not been done? I just.. don't know.

"Muh life is in pain.. Imma lay you down,.. if muh life is in danger."

Sarah Shahi.

I've deep feeling on her after watching the L Word and Life.

She is so so so beautiful. I was googling her few days ago and realized that she's Iranian. God, such beautiul face no wonder she's top 100 sexiest women on earth. Here's the reason i want to talk about her now. She is pregnant. God, her husband is just so lucky to have such beautiful sunshine is his life. I guess what's really make me liking her is because of her six packs (of course her face and body shape too la). You can't see her six packs tummy unless she GOOK her stomach. Just so sexy.. Huuu.......

Suicide Note - Poet

When I am dead, and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair,
Tho you should lean above me broken hearted,
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace.
As leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now.
Suicide note to her lover who left her.
~~ Sara Teasdale, poet, d. 1933

~~ Lupe Velez, actress, d. December 13, 1944
The future is just old age and illness and pain.... I must have peace and
this is the only way.

Life's been so !@#$%%^&%$#@ lately. Having hard time like everyone else. Am unsure about the what's coming next.

Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, to kill oneself) is the intentional taking of one's own life. Many dictionaries also note the metaphorical sense of "willful destruction of one's self-interest"[1] (e.g., "political suicide"). Suicide may occur for a number of reasons, including depression, shame, guilt, desperation, physical pain, emotional pressure, anxiety, financial difficulties, or other undesirable situations. (http://en.wikipedia.org/

1Suide may occur for a number of reasons, including:-

1.Depression - Shit. So down.

2.Shame - Shit. Shame of myself because the results are just too fucking damning twatting shit.

3.Guilt - Shit. Sorry Dad.

4.Desperation - Shit. I've huge XXX desire.

5.Physical pain - Shit. My wallet is so fucking in pain.

6. Emotional Pressure - Shit. Almost went nut during the exams.

7.Anxiety - Shit. Always throw temper to friends.

8. Financial Difficulties - Shit. Broke.

9. Undesirable Situations - Shit. Had a long talk with someone yesterday. Deep topics is so ouchie.

In conclusion, can i? Kill myself?

Someone's blog reminded me of someone.

I started to think about X last night.

I started to recall what happened in Pre-U and Taylor's first 4 semester.

Guess i want to tell what happened here now.

I met X when i was really young， 7 years back. We were just friends nothing much that time. I did not even know i'd feelings on X till one day.. 3.45pm. This particular date particular time. We were walking in a mall and out of sudden X hugged me. A mall. I couldn't recall back how many strangers wer staring at X hugging me and said :"Happy Birthday." It just happened. I know that's the right one. I knew.

August.

Two years later. One day.

X called asking me not to call anymore without giving any reasons.

I begged.. I begged......... I begged from August till November that year.

It' been 5 years from that day we stopped.

Nobody knows how i survived this 5 years.

Nobody knows..

I cried more than anyoneelse.

All my friends around me.. They will not mention X in front of me.

Deep down, they know how suffer i was i am.

I skipped 60% classes in Pre-U.

I stopped seeing all friends whom are friends of X too.

Because they will remind me of X.

I acted crazy.. I talked shit....

I've a huge changed.

现在，我害怕度过三点四十五分。

我害怕走你拥抱我的那个地方。

我害怕遇见你。

我害怕任何人提起你。

我更害怕，你......消失。

I think... I shouldn't have let you let me go.

我们之间的承诺，你忘了吗？

就是那一句。

我等到现在。

就是这一句话。

怎么就这样放弃了呢？

怎么丢下我一个人呢?

A sad day.. Raining continuously.

Friends are meant to be real.

I might not be the nice one or the best friend.

Even if i was that bad long ago.

I wish i am not anymore.

I want to go to a quiet place with my good friend.

We'll do supid things together.

Maybe we are to old to act crazy.

But i guess we'll have fun resting there.

However, don't you think March is so suffering?

Because i still need to wait for like another 9 months.

But we can still book it!

I'm looking forward!

And! September as well ah!

Wait for me, Sam.

It's 11 May 11.46am. Exam starts in.. less than 2 hours.

How do i feel?

Exhausted.

Having extra courses are not fun.

Didn't sleep last night.

Been preparing for the shit later.

I'm not aiming any shits.

Just want to get it over.

In 4 hours.

Off.

From me.

Where am i?

Home.

What's after the exam?

Sleep for 20 hours.

O, did i tell you?

The second exam on wednesday. Yay.. :(

Weee ooo WeE ooooo WEEEEE...

I just handed in courseworks yesterday and exam starts monday.

Yayyyyyy~

What's better than this?

However, No feeling at all.

There's nothing i can do EXCEPT study hard.

20 sleeping hours was so great.

WeeeeEE!

I've changed my mind recently.

I want to stay in three different places before i leave.

Where's number three?

I was thinking.. London.

How is it?

So, it means.. I'll change my flight to Sept?? Maybe.

I was talking to a friend two days ago.

Again and again and again. Gosh. Ferking sien.

Common. All your excuses you so called 'reason' will be running out one day. Live real. What so good trapping yourself in a small dreamie world? What is so good about that? You can't take real shits at all. Woi. You are 24 jor. 24 acting like this? I'll be looking down on you lo. One kiddie. I know you will hate me when you finish reading what's here. I'm sorry. I'm your friend and i want you to know what is 'Reality'.

最近很多事很多人让我觉得没眼看。

大家都长大了，我管不了你们的脑袋瓜。

很奇怪的一年。

都不知道大家在想什么的。

靠！

不管。喜欢怎样是你们的事。

被看不起的，也不是我。

2009年中了。

要不就争取时间，要不就什么也不要做。

就不要理，想，做，真的很无聊的事。

还有！借口也会有用完的一天！

我顶！

我忙得很。

实在没空理幼稚园故事。

最近每个人的点都很低哦。

大家还是不要烦大家也比较好。

说话语气也不要太重。

这是人生。

Miss F 加油加油加加油！

When someone is havng fun drinking..

What's with me?

Coffee.

Snow Patrol.

Courseworks.

What a nice weekend i'm having.

Let me talk about my courseworks.

Tonnes of calculations.

Thousands words.

Exams preparation.

What i need.. is... self preparations. (Unable to hand in on time)

Cool.

ps. Not that i didn't work hard. Works are way too difficult.

Having hard time.

<潘玮柏>

“是什么原因，让时间停此了"

There were times time stopped.

Now, i wish it could stopped for an hour.

Im not greedy.

Just an hour.

Sarah McLachlan

"Let me be empty and weightless

And maybe i'll find some peace tonight"